A Legacy of Thieves

Time to pick the ninth heir! Everyone here is technically still a ghost, but they are hard to tell apart that way so I’ve used CAS shots.

Vote for your choice in the comments or at Boolprop!

Hey look it is my favorite transgender, transhuman, trans-opaque townie! My game would be so boring without glitches.

Partially invisible gal/fella/robot: “Here I am, all alone, autonomously drawn to listen to this teenage ghost’s tuneless warbling. Where is everyone else? Why am I the only one who has to suffer. Back in my day people were friendlier. Back in my day you kept your friends close and your enemies so close they were actually overlapping with you. The kids these days have forgotten how to form a Crowd.”

But look my midsectionless man/woman/machine! The crowd lives on! The youth of the town follow in their forefather’s and foremother’s collective footstepsstandingarounds! They eschew personal space! They seek a return to the days before the Big Bang when all matter occupied a single point, every molecule squished up against each other, every planet and person and plant and animal coexisting all at once! (apologies to Calvino)

This mini-crowd outside the school includes all the current Dodger kids and most of their (potential) future spouses. The ghosts make the whole thing look like those crazy jello molds with different kinds of fruit stuck in them, no?

Unfortunately (well, luckily) this crowd dispersed soon after I took these photos. Sure, the new generation has taken up the art of crowding, but they are only doing it ironically.

Longtime readers will know that I am shockingly bad at this game. The fact that the Dodger house is currently at full capacity is compounding my ineptitude eightfold, so I am eager to get the kids married off and out of the house so I can focus on the heir (who shall it be??) and the imminent (triumphant?) end to the legacy.

Hospital Gown Guy: “Psst. Did you hear about the Dodgers? They just wander around the town looking lost all day. I’m pretty sure none of them even bathe anymore. ”

Last chapter the eldest eligible Dodger, Pilfer, met this guy, Frankie Knack, while milling around outside the stadium. After a few sessions of flirting they had worked themselves up to romantic interest status. But then Frankie became a young adult and the next thing you know…

Pilfer: “You got married?? You haven’t even been a young adult for one full day! I thought we totally hit it off.  I thought we had a future together!”

Frankie Wheloff-Knack: “Uh, I can explain.”

Frankie: “…but it might take a while. How about you and me grab dinner?”

His wife Lakesha (the lady right behind him): *is totally unconcerned*

At the restaurant…

Pilfer: “So you’re saying this whole marriage thing wasn’t your idea? It was arranged? By your overbearing aunt Storyana Progessionton?”

Frankie: “Exactly. I knew you’d understand.”

Pilfer: “So that means you’ll have no problem divorcing your new wife immediately and marrying me instead.”

Frankie: *chokes on lobster thermidor*

Meanwhile, Pilfer’s little sister Steal is hanging out with her BFF Alexander Bull.

Steal: “Omg Alex I can’t wait until I’m like the most evil supervillian ever and you are totally my henchman it will be so much funl!”

Alexander’s Entire Family: *disapproves*

The Entire Staff of the Restaurant Where Frankie and Pilfer are Dining Extra-maritally: *disapproves*

Pilfer’s twin bro Rob is the first of his siblings to get a first kiss. His love interest is Trish Knack, Frankie’s younger sister. What can I say – it’s a small town.

JELLO MOLD!!

Back to the evil triplets. Sneak has been playing her guitar around town, hoping to meet some new people.

But all she meets is disapproval. From this lady. From the unique individual at the very beginning of the chapter. Why is everyone in this town so dour? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because all their stuff gets stolen all the time?

Finally Sneak met a young man who didn’t disapprove at all: Marc Coddle-Prudence. He’s a bit funny looking, but Sneak isn’t one to get all caught up in aesthetics. She’s a business lady. Her business is evil, sure, but she intends to keep meticulous records and balance the bankbook at every turn.

Marc: “So you’re a thief? That’s cool. What do you steal?”

Sneak: “A kiss!”

Her sister Take is way more interested in fishing than kissing.

When she’s not at the edge of a pond or lake, she jokes around with her friend Alice Whelohff. Who is, yes, the little sister of Frankie Knack’s wife. Like I said – it’s a small town.

Take: “So then she was all like oh Marc that’s so efficient and billable and then they kissed. It was gross!

Alice : “Ooh I bet they made a face like this!!”

Steal and Alexander have their first fight after a shocking revelation about his new teenage trait.

Steal: “You’re good??!!”

Alexander: “It’s not my fault. It just happened. You know how confusing puberty is. All those hormones. It’s easy to be led down the wrong path.”

Alexander: “I can still be your henchman. I’ll just look the other way when you do all the evil stuff. Maybe I’ll give people a hug after you beat them up. But I won’t get in your way or anything.”

Steal: “You disgust me.”

But by the next day they’d reconciled. And then some.

Take: “hmm…”

Take: “So then she was like oh Alexander I don’t care if you’re good I will order you to do terrible, evil things anyway and if you don’t do them I will destroy everything you have ever loved. And then they kissed. It was kinda sweet I guess.”

Alice: “Ooh I bet they made a face like…”

“…this!”

Rob scores another first by proposing to his girlfriend Trish as soon as they are both of age.

Rob: “With this magical gnome, I thee wed.”

Yes I spent like five minutes trying to line up that shot. Anyway, at the same time outside…

Pilfer: “So you’ll call it off with Lakesha, right?”

Frankie: “Sure. I’ll do it this very afternoon.”

and then…

BUT…

Oh no!!! Want to find out what happens next? Me too! Please help me out by voting in the HEIR POLL.

My goodness. It’s been months. Have the Dodgers died? Has this legacy?

Ah no, it appears that everyone involved in the legacy has simply overslept.  Including me. How can I ever apologize?

Perhaps I’ll just let this picture of a gnome interacting inappropriately with a watermelon do my apologizing for me.

No? That didn’t do it for you? Perhaps you feel like this poor guy, who has just had his washing machine stolen while he was on the way up to laundry room with a bag of dirty clothing. What kind of monster would do such a thing?

Football: “If people haven’t learned by now not to invite any member of my family into their homes, well, then, I don’t know what to say.”

Perhaps I can reel my dear readers back in somehow, just as young Take here is attempting to reel in the townsfolk.

See, a birthday! Sparkly stuff! Freaky limb stretching! It is the lifeblood of every legacy. It’s like we never left at all.

The orange twins, Rob and Pilfer, have grown into teens. Here’s Rob Dodger. He’s a slob who loves the outdoors and has no sense of humor. So basically he likes to look at mushrooms, but he isn’t one.

Rob: “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course I’m not a mushroom. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Mushrooms are a form of gilled fungi, whereas I am a human being and not a fungi.”

And here is his twin sister, Pilfer. She’s an easily impressed, over-emotional, virtuoso.

Pilfer:  “I made some blueberry muffins the other day. They tasted like angels singing. I wept with joy!”

And while we’re doing CAS shots of ghosts, here’s the twins stepmother Eileen Remington (the one who stalked the Dodgers for centuries) wearing the nifty time-traveling suit she got after stalking various historical figures.

I actually think it looks even niftier translucent.

So as I’ve established, this legacy isn’t dead. But this lady certainly is…supposed to be. Football (seventh gen. heir) stopped to autonomously mourn her. I expected her to ghost out any second.

But they both just stood there. Run of the mill glitch?

Old Lady: “My, what an adorable little jellyfish.”

Or something far more sinister?

Football promptly jogged to the shore and watched as a symbolic sailboat drifted away into the mists of time.

Football: “It’s just like Fitzgerald said — ‘so we steal on, thieves against the current, borne back ceaselessly into petty theft.'”

Let’s get back to the kids. There are so many of them! I’ve already mentioned the twins, but the (evil) triplets need screen time too. Steal has turned out to be the most social of the three. Here she is with her best friend/future henchman Alexander Bull.

Steal: “When I grow up I’m gonna be a supervillian.”

Alexander: “When I grow up I’m gonna to be super buff so I can beat people up for you.”

Lady to the right: “I can just see the mugshot now.”

Evil looking dude: “Yeah supervilliany!”

Flexing dude: “Yeah buffness!

Football: “Buffness? Sounds like a good thing. I could do with some of that.”

The buffness craze quickly spread throughout the town and a large crowd (though not as large as The Crowd (see like 10 chapters ago)) gathered in front of the athletic center. I sent Rob over to meet some eligible ladies.

Eligible Lady: “No. Just no.”

It took him a couple tries but he finally found a girl willing to talk to him. Her name is Trish Knack and she showed up with her brother which means I had no choice but to send Pilfer over post haste.

The two sets of siblings totally hit it off. Foreshadowing!

Football: “Whoops now I am too buff.”

Football: “Hold on – Grim? Is that you behind me? I thought you were dead!”

Grim: “Nah, I was just busy crying into a pint of Ben and Jerrys. Doris left me for the pool-demon.”

Grim: “At least I’ve got my sweet bling back.”

And so Football shuffled off this mortal coil with a minimum of fanfare. The next day a birthday party was held for the triplets. Their robot and caveman uncles were in attendance.

And here they are. The evil triplets.  The three witches.

Sneak: “So sisters, when shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Steal: “When the hurlyburly’s done, when the battle videogame’s lost and won.”

Take: “That will be ere the set of sun cold hard cash.”

All three: “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!”

Next time: spouse finding and an heir poll! I’m going to finish this legacy even if it takes me a hundred years!

This chapter takes its name from a certain Scottish play by Will Shakespeare

Nora: “What, you mean Macbeth? Is that the one where it’s bad luck to say the name of the play out loud?”

Nora: “Oh come on, not fair. That’s only supposed to be for actors!”

But Nora, didn’t you know all the world’s a stage and all the men and women only players?

Nora: “I can’t believe I’m dying in this old dress. There had better be some good stylists in the underworld.”

Grim: “If there were, do you really think I’d be wearing this?”

Alas poor Nora, we knew you well. But life must go on. All focus now is on the new generation. The twins, Pilfer and Rob, are growing up quite well.

Here they are blending in with the bus seats. Pilfer appears to have inherited her mother Dixie’s nose. Hopefully she won’t get her personality too.

Young Rob is a slob (rhyming!) with no sense of humor who loves the outdoors. He has taken up fishing as a hobby.

Pilfer is an over-emotional, easily impressed, virtuoso. She has, at my behest, taken up cooking as a hobby. And since the kiddie stove is the only usable stove the Dodgers own, she is now the the chief producer of food for the whole family

Which is about to get larger. As hinted at last chapter, Lockpick’s new wife Eileen is totally preggo.

Eileen: “Augghh! I am being impaled by a stove! Also I am in labor.”

A few hours later she emerges from the hospital with a mysterious basket.

Lockpick: “Oh my god, it’s twins again?”

Eileen: “Nope”

It’s triplets! First time that has ever happened in my game. Not only are they all three pink ghosts, but they are also all three girls, and all three evil. When I rolled evil for the first two triplets, I figured it was just chance, but when I rolled it for the third one too it became clear that my game is possessed by some kind of demon.

Meet Sneak, Steal, and Take Dodger – if you dare.

The hellspawn were transported immediately to the nearest place with countertops to be aged up. Unfortunately someone else had gotten there first.

Football: “What are you doing?! This town does not need any more babies!”

Eventually grandpa Football, with the help of various other family members, managed to get all three babies aged up. And here they are as toddlers, the evil ninth generation triplets, the weird sisters. Well here are two of them at any rate.

There’s the third! The Dodgers do only have one crib after all.

As ghosts, the girls all look identical, but to my delight CAS revealed that their appearances actually differ significantly. I took particular joy in Sneak’s skin tone, which seems to actually be a mix of Lockpick’s and Eileen’s. Good work EA!

When not being taught a skill or enjoying a much-coveted turn in the crib, the triplets spent most of their toddlerhood passed out on the floor.

And if they were awake, they were usually hollering their heads off, much to the chagrin of this poor maid.

Rob and Pilfer started autonomously doing their homework in the bathroom, perhaps to escape the racket.

Despite the odds stacked against them (their underfurnished house, my poor playing) all three sisters were taught all their basic toddler skills.

Lockpick: “Today I am going to teach you the word heartbreak. Once upon a time daddy was heartbroken. Can baby say ‘heartbreak’”

One of the triplets: “Baby say hawtbwake! Baby feel Schadenfwuede! heehee!”

Lockpick: “Not cool.”

ed. note: Shadenfreude (n) – pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others

Before long the triplet-toddlers were ready to grow into children. Sneak here is evil, a virtuoso, and a workaholic.

Steal is evil, a genius, and a computer whiz.

Take is evil (of course), has a good sense of humor, and loves the outdoors.

“The weird sisters, hand in hand,

Posters of the sea and land,

Thus do go about, about:

Thrice to thine and thrice to mine

And thrice again, to make up nine.

Peace! the charm’s wound up.”

-Shakespeare

Tune in next time for Chapter 43 to see what sort of (double double toil and) trouble they get into!

Being ditched by Dixie really did a number on poor Lockpick’s self-esteem. After she ended their marriage, he wandered through the night until he reached the graveyard – where ghosts are supposed to be.  There he wept like a little baby.

After a few hours of this, he became terribly dehydrated and had to jump into the pond to refill his tear ducts.

As he dog-paddled mournfully through the lily pads, he was overcome by the feeling that he was being watched.

He felt eyes on the back of his head. Was he going crazy?

Or was there truly someone lurking in the shadows – just out of sight?

As it turns out, there was! And it was none other than Eileen Remington. She has spent years stalking the Dodgers. See her first appearance here.

After the quick dip, Lockpick went right back to crying.

Eileen couldn’t stand to see any Dodger so heartbroken. She decided to break the cardinal rule of stalking and make herself known.

Eileen: “What’s wrong?”

Lockpick: “My wife made out with Napoleon Bonaparte and then left me because I’m a ghost.”

Eileen: “Aw, don’t sweat it. That happen to everyone sooner or later.”

Eileen: “Someday you’ll meet someone who truly appreciates you for the kind, handsome ghost you are.”

Lockpick: “You really think so?”

Eileen: “Oh believe me, I do. I can understand what you’re going through. I’ve had my heart broken hundreds of times.”

Eileen: “None of the guys I’ve stalked…err, liked…over the years have ever liked me back. They don’t even notice me half the time. It hurts, but I always manage to move on eventually.”

At Dawn, Lockpick returned home feeling greatly cheered by his talk with Eileen. He spent the day gardening. His parents spent that day tossing around their eldest son.

Nora: “That was a terrible throw, dear. Maybe you need to get your eyes checked.”

Football: “Eh? What?”

When darkness fell, Lockpick returned to the graveyard in the hopes of running into Eileen again. Luck was with him. The fact that she is actively stalking him probably helped too.

Lockpick: “So, Eileen, you remember how last night you said that someday I would meet someone who truly appreciated me?

Eileen: “Yeah?”

Lockpick: “Well, I think I might have found that someone.”

Eileen: “I think so too.”

Meanwhile, across town, Football re-enacted the third act of Apocalypse Now.

Football: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

A day or two passed. Some stuff happened but none of it was very interesting so I didn’t take any pictures. But then, one evening…

Eileen: “Will you hold my hand?”

Lockpick: “Of course”

Eileen: “Will you marry me?”

Lockpick: “What?”

Eileen: “Your great great great uncle may have rejected me but I never gave up. I knew someday a Dodger would finally notice me. So come on, will you make me the happiest ghost girl in all the graveyard?”

Lockpick: “That is kind of creepy but okay!”

Death himself couldn’t keep these two apart. Mostly just because he’s too busy trying to keep Doris from leaving him for the poolboy Beelzebub. But still.

Meanwhile, across town, Football blew up his 150th item.

Football: “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!”

The next day a wedding was held at the ancient ruins on the outskirts of town.

Dixie: “Oh gross, ghost marriage? I thought that was illegal.”

Dixie wasn’t the only one feeling a bit xenophobic that day.

Lockpick: “Ewww, a robot. Who invited that?”

Gem (my simself) – “Uh, I did. He is technically your half brother.”

Eileen: “I can’t believe I’m actually marrying a Dodger! This is the best day of my death!”

Hotwire: “Meh, Lockpick’s first wedding was more exciting.”

Dixie: “What am I doing here again?”

And so Lockpick got a second chance at love! Tune in next time for…

Chapter 42 – more ghost babies on the way!

Even readers who are not fans of the ever fantastic and occasionally fez-wearing Doctor can probably guess what this chapter’s title refers to. Yup – the Dodgers have a time machine now!

Our heir tried it out the second it was done, but he soon found out that he wasn’t alone in the timestream.

Lockpick: “Augh! Upside down rubbish bins with plungers and whisks for hands are trying to exterminate meee!!!!”

Lockpick: “I am so confused right now.”

That is because you’ve never watched any Doctor Who my dear boy! To the television at once!

Back in the present day, Lockpick’s absent-minded new wife was also having a somewhat confusing time.

Dixie: “Who the hell are these ghosts and why are they dancing in my living room?”

Alibi the robot: “My records indicate that one of them is your husband and the other is your grandmother-in-law”

Dixie: “Ugh, and there’s a robot here too? I could just puke.”

but later…

Dixie: “Well fancy that. A virgin birth.”

The Dodger’s only crib was destroyed when Lockpick blew up the house. I immediately started a search for another one to steal. I figured houses with small children would be the best place to look.

but although there were plenty of babies and toddlers in the neighborhood, they all seemed to sleep on the floor amid piles of dirty laundry

Finally we hit the jackpot in one of the big mansions. The house had better not blow up again though because I am like 95% sure this is the only other crib in the whole town

The whole family pitched in and in the course of one evening they had practically cleared out the entire room.

Dixie: “The baby is coming! Now, if I could only remember who the father is!”

Lockpick: “Oh come on, you can’t be serious. Nobody is that absentminded.”

Dixie: “Who are you again?”

It’s a darn good thing we got the crib because Dixie had twins! A girl and a boy, named Pilfer and Rob.

Is it just me or are ghost babies kinda creepy?

The twins only had one day of blissful infancy before I had them carted down to the Red Rendezvous (The Dodgers don’t have any counters to put a cake on – Just like the good old days!) and forcefully aged up.

Here are the twins as toddler. In the front, being held by Alibi, is Pilfer, the little girl. On the floor in the back is Rob, her brother.

They quickly proved themselves to be just as amusing to take pictures of as their father.

Great-granddad Gus, resident coward, was less amused. He can barely haunt the house for five minutes without fainting.

Lockpick was a doting father. He let the garden go to weed and the junkpile rust while he taught the toddlers their skills and attended to their needs.

Their mother, on the other hand, was not quite so devoted.

Dixie: “Hello there butterfly. You and I are a lot alike, you know –  unburdened by responsibilities or attachments, just flitting around free without a care in the world.”

Ponytail Guy: “Hey congratulations on the new arrivals!”

Dixie: “The what now?”

Eventually, of course, Dixie would always manage to remember her address and wander back home. I was eager to test out the time machine to its full potential, so I sent Dixie and Lockpick to “try for baby in the past”

it did not go as planned

Lockpick: “That was supposed to be a special date with just me and you. I thought Venice would be romantic!”

Dixie: “It was romantic, dear. Is it my fault that we just happened to run into Casanova? No woman could resist his charms!”

I waited about a day, but when Dixie showed no signs of being pregnant I sent them back to try it again. And again. And again. But nothing happened.

Then, lo and behold one evening Jedidiah Dodger popped fully formed from the belly of the time machine. He is, apparently, Dixie and Lockpick’s son from the past. I had no idea that would happen! Cheeky EA.

Given that he is dressed like a caveman I personally think Og or Ugh or Gaga would have been a more appropriate name  Jedidiah just seems Amish.

He had a bit of trouble adjusting to the future.

Jedidiah: “Where I come from, ancestors bless spirit of stones and speak with voice of babbling brook. Ancestors no boogie in middle of cave.”

I sent him to the park to see if he’d be more in his element out in nature.

Jedidiah: “Backless hospital robe? People of future dress weeeiiiirrd.”

Hospital Robe Guy: “Right back at ya, buddy.”

Jedidiah: “So pretty future lady. Jedidiah’s brain may be smaller than brain of fancy future people but Jedidiah have bright idea anyhow.”

Jedidiah: “How about pretty lady come back to Jedidiah’s cave so Jedidiah and pretty lady can discover fire together.”

Lady: “Ugh, not in a million years.”

Jedidiah: “Jedidiah feel like heart been trampled by mastodon.”

I then proceeded to totally forget about the poor guy for the rest of the sim day. When I finally remembered and scrolled back to the park, I found him standing forlornly in the public restroom.

Jedidiah: “Future cave smell like sabretooth tiger dung.”

And so Jedidiah hightailed it back home and plugged in the coordinates for his own epoch into the time machine.

Bye Jedidiah!

Undaunted, Lockpick continued to experiment with the time machine.

Lockpick: “I feel like something really terrible is about to happen.”

Dixie often accompanied him on his journeys. It turned out she was quite interested in history.

a little too interested perhaps

Lockpick: “Okay this is more than I can stand. Napoleon? Really? What does he have that I don’t?”

Dixie: “Calm down dear.”

Lockpick: “Calm down??? You made out with the former emperor of France!!”

Dixie: “Yeah well at least he isn’t dead

Lockpick: “Yes he is!!!”

Dixie: “Well he wasn’t back then. He wasn’t some transparent imitation of a man. You ghosts think you’re so special but I can see right through you and your flimsy imitation of life.”

Lockpick: “May I remind you that you gave birth to a ghost? Two of them, in fact.”

Dixie: “What? I did? I don’t remember that.”

Lockpick: “You definitely did. I was there. A ghost boy and a ghost girl.”

Dixie: “Oh shoot, I knew I’d forgotten something important.”

Dixie: “At times like this I am reminded of why I divorced you.”

Lockpick: “What? You haven’t divorced me.”

Dixie: “Ugh, it must have slipped my mind.”

Lockpick: “What are you saying?”

Dixie: “We’re over. It was fun for a while but you’re just too short for me.”

Lockpick: “That’s the same thing you said to Napoleon.”

Dixie: “Who?”

And so ends Lockpick and Dixie’s marriage, as well as this chapter. What will happen next time? Hopefully it won’t take me another century to bring you Chapter 41 – A Second Chance!